Well, I can tell you where I’m not these days: at home.
I’m doing a show out of town. I’ve been gone from Will and foster baby for almost two weeks, and I’m still incredibly confused and disoriented.
I used to love working out of town. I used to love working. Period. But today, as I was walking home from rehearsal, pondering why I feel so strange and useless, I realized it’s because my main identity is no longer “actor.” It’s now “mother” (with a dash of *gasp* “homemaker”). That identity was yanked away from me the moment I said goodbye to them. Like having the rug pulled out from under my feet, I feel caught in a free-fall suspended moment, not really knowing where I’m going to land yet.
It feels like I can’t return. Trying on this sole identity of “actor” again feels weird. It doesn’t fit me anymore. I feel as though my experience of life and of who I am and of what I can be and do has expanded so greatly in the past year and a half of being “mother/homemaker”, that “actor” is way too small for who I am now. Much too narrow; much too immature; much too unimportant. But on the other hand, if all I did was raise babies, clean house, and cook meals, I’d go a wee bit crazy . . .
In other news, the apartment I’m staying in has television. Cable television. I’ve been trying to watch, but I honestly cannot stand the commercials. I make it about ten minutes, and then I have to turn the vile thing off. We haven’t had a tv for about a year and half now, and I’d forgotten what an awful beast tv advertising can be. Apparently, the only way to sell a product is to tell you how inadequate you are without it. Seriously. No wonder so many people struggle with depression and anxiety. This type of advertising is constantly preying on our deepest fear: that we’re not good enough. It’s sick. And sickening.
In other, other news, I’m the weirdo in the cast who packed a yogurt maker so that I could still have homemade yogurt. And a cast iron enameled pot so that I could make bread. And I’m knitting a sweater for foster baby. #modernhomesteader? or just a #weirdo? Can’t decide.