Who doesn’t love a list? So write one! Top five slices of pizza in your town, ten reasons disco will never die, the three secrets to happiness — go silly or go deep, just go list-y.
Top Six Reasons NOT to Keep Backyard Chickens
1) You’ll love chickens too much. You will discover that they have personalities, and are quite intelligent (you can even teach them tricks, just like dogs). You won’t be able to eat KFC anymore or buy a chicken from the grocery store because you’ll look at it and go, “I wonder who she was? Did someone love her? Did she get treats? Or was she shoved in a tiny cage her whole life, pulled her feathers out because she was stressed, had her beak clipped so she couldn’t peck at the blood from pulling out her feathers, and died at the hand of some processing plant worker who didn’t give a shit about her.” Now that I know, I can’t go back.
2) You’ll get used to the thrill of collecting eggs. Every damn time I open the nesting box, I get a little excited when I see an egg in there. I love collecting eggs. Picking up a carton of eggs at the farmers’ market isn’t nearly as satisfying. I will probably become very, very gloomy if the day ever comes that I can’t collect eggs from a nesting box.
3) You’ll become known as that crazy chicken lady. Or maybe that’s just me. Some people like cats; I like chickens.
4) You’ll find eggs in pockets. I often arrive at work with an egg in my coat pocket. One year, I took my spring jacket out of storage after winter and found an egg in the pocket, thankfully still intact.
5) You’ll end up watching “Chicken TV” instead of real tv. Honestly, I love watching my girls. They are their own reality show – The Real Backyard Chickens of the Prairies. But this means I don’t have time to watch real tv, and therefore cannot hold my own in pop culture conversations. No more witty, pithy quips about the latest celebrity gossip. Now I’m like,” Judy is making a play for top hen. She pecked Ginger’s head this morning, and last night, I watched her spread her wings and flap right in the middle of the run!”
6) Eventually, you’ll want goats. Just like growing your own tomatoes is the gateway to wanting chickens, chickens are the gateway to wanting goats. God, I want goats so badly!