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Marianne.  We need to have a little talk.

I’m going to be blunt and just get right to the point. Do you think you’re a rooster?  Do you think it’s appropriate for a hen to bok and squawk at 5:30 a.m. every morning for nearly TWO HOURS?!

We thought this behaviour would subside once you starting laying.  But no.  If anything, it’s become worse.  Especially if any of the other girls dare to be in the coop when you want to lay your egg.  You could just go into the nesting box, but no, you need to lay your egg in the middle of the coop.  Why?  Why, Marianne?

And now you’ve started to molt.  Don’t deny it – your tail is starting to look a little bare, and I’ve seen your downy little feathers floating around the run.  Is this why you’ve been so noisy and bossy?

Marianne, this has to stop.  Not the molting, you go right ahead and molt.  The noise, Marianne.  The noise has to stop.  The squawking has got to stop.  The neighbours will not be bought off with the fresh eggs if you continue to wake them up at 5:30 a.m.  I will not continue to be bought off with fresh eggs if you continue to wake me up at 5:30 a.m.  I am not a morning person, Marianne.  I am not.  If this continues, you will be soup.  I am not joking.

Okay.  I promise I will try to distract you in the morning with treats, such as heads of cabbage and yogurt with blueberries, and, failing that, I will throw on my robe and run into the yard and try to calm you down.  But you must promise that you’ll at least try to be distracted by my lame attempts to keep you calm, and put in a good effort to curb your squawky ways.

Just remember:

I'm watching you, Marianne

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